A 3 steps process to re-align with higher emotions when you've been triggered.

"Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you".

- Shannon L. Alder

No matter how highly evolved we are, we all get triggered by external circumstances. Whether it's an unexpected event or a person around you that is just able to always find the right words to upset you, some days we just can't help but being affected by the world. The question is: how do we get out of that spiral once we are in the midst of it? Before we get into the process, here is my first most crucial invitation for you. I want you to internalize or ponder the fact that: it is not about who or what was the external cause of your reaction, but it’s about what within you was triggered, If this sounds just a tiny bit accurate for you, then let’s GO. Here is a 3 steps process that I've been using myself and that allows me to get centered faster every time I get lost in overreaction.

1. Acknowledge how you feel and do not suppress or deny it.

No one likes feeling negative emotions. For that reason, most times, when they emerge, and because of our natural desire to stay in a comfort zone and self protect, we either tend to suppress or deny them. This is where most of our emotional problems start.

Just like Brené Brown mentions in her book “The power of vulnerability”, we cannot selectively numb emotions. We cannot suppress negative emotions like anger, sadness etc, while maintaining our ability to feel joy and happiness. In other words, when you suppress negative emotions, you also hinder your ability to really feel happy.

I really believe that our negative emotions are an indication that our perspective about the subject of our attention can use an improvement. When we refuse to acknowledge them, we refuse to take the opportunity to grow in the moment, to see the part of us that is hurting and that needs to heal.

My invitation for you is to acknowledge the way you feel the next time a negative emotion arises in you. Acknowledge it, without trying to change it. Just observe it and do your best not to judge it nor yourself. Pay attention to how it feels within your body. The first thing you will notice is that those emotions weren’t as threatening to begin with. Don't try to discard them too fast but just let them sit for a while. Let the realization of what within you is trying to heal come to the surface. Just be in the presence of that emotion for a while and soon enough, you will notice that it is a little less daunting.

This is is for this first step, It is all about allowing the emotion and standing quietly in the presence of it, instead of discarding it, judging it or trying to get rid of it too fast.

2. Go inward deeper

Most times, we tend to blame our emotional reactions on people or our environment. For example, If you feel jealous, it's because your coworker got a raise and not you; if you are angry, it's because someone cut you off on the road; if you are sad, it's because your lover dumped you.

Every time you do it, you take away at the same time your power to reverse it. Think about it for a moment: you can't possibly find your way to better feelings, if your emotional GPS is biased by your external environment. And if you happen to do it, it would just be a lucky occurrence. When you understand that your external environment can only ever trigger patterns that already exist within you, from which emotions emanate, but cannot in any case impose to you which emotions you are gonna feel, from that understanding arises the realization that the way to “handle” your emotions is not by trying to control external events, but by consciously engineering your thoughts, so that they yield better feeling emotions.

My invitation for you is, everytime you feel that you have been triggered, not only you want to acknowledge the emotions like we mentioned in step 1, but I suggest that you go inward a bit deeper by asking yourself: “where does this feeling emanate from, within me? What part of me is yearning to be seen, acknowledged and loved by me?”. When you ask yourself that question, just stay still for as long as you can and let whatever is willing to come to the surface rise.

3. Reframe and release

After the hard work of the two previous steps, that are: (1) allowing yourself to feel your emotions and (2) letting the place where they emanate from within you rise to the surface, most times you end up having a clearer idea of the pattern that was triggered.

Let's do a bit of personal sharing now. As far as I can remember, my early years of primary school were very challenging. I was extremely quiet and prey to bullies. One day, while I was waiting for my dad to come get me after school to go home, a kid from the school bullied me and my dad saw the scene from afar. When he came to me, he said to me: you cannot ever let anyone abuse you like that. From that day forward, I started fighting aggressively all the kids bullying me at school, even when my opponents were obviously stronger than me. I was so determined not to let my dad see me being "abused" by the bullies that it didn't matter to me how strong they were, I was gonna give my best fight every single time. Most days I got my ass whooped but it didn’t matter, because the next day I would fight even harder. It wasn't necessary the wisest response but it worked. After couple weeks, I guess those kids understood that they weren’t gonna break me and the bullies stopped. I even ended up becoming friends with some of them.

Now couple years ago, I had noticed that I would get very angry when anyone would not respect a waiting line and pass me. I would always repress that anger until I came across this process. What I realized after doing step one and two about that anger, is that the memory of my dad telling me that I couldn't let anyone abuse me at school, came very clearly.

You see, I had trained myself to respond to what felt like abuse, with anger since that time. Everytime someone passed me on a waiting line, it felt like I was being abused and my body almost naturally responded with anger. what I chose to do in that moment, was simply to be in the presence of the 5 years old version of me, that was feeling abused and unseen by me. I chose to give love to that version of me and I imprinted the belief in myself that the fact that some kids felt entitled to bully me when I was younger, did not mean that I was unworthy, and I also imprinted the belief in me that I didn’t need to fight for my worthiness anymore. 

With that new awareness, it became very easy for me to reframe my response. I chose to trade anger for compassion, as an answer to the feeling of abuse. Now most times I don't even feel abused at all, I just offer compassion immediately to people that are hurting within themselves enough to be rude to others. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an immediate results kind of cure. I had to retrain my body to the new response, but with enough intent and practice, it worked for me. Now, I can’t even remember the last time I felt abuse. It feels like by choosing to honor the part of me that was feeling the anger, which allowed me to connect, see and love the kid within me that was feeling abused, unworthy and was fighting for his worthiness, it all stopped.

So my invitation for you is to do a similar work. Connect to the part of you where the feelings truly emanate from, love that part of you, reframe the pattern within you and let it go. Choose another emotional response that feels truer to who you really are, and make it your natural response. In my case it was compassion, what is it gonna be for you? Keep in mind that your brain and body are a set of automated system and it will take consistency to reprogram your reactions.

If you read so far, I thank you and I honor you. Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments. Try the process for yourself and please share with us how it went.

- Xavier