How to break free of the Fear of Other People's Opinions (F.O.P.O) ?

“No name-calling truly bites deep unless, in some dark part of us, we believe it. If we are confident enough then it is just noise.”

― Laurell K. Hamilton

Do you have a memory of you, feeling crippled by the opinion that someone else had of you? It might have been a parent, a relative, co-workers or maybe some classmates back in the school days.

I certainly did. The most recent memory that I have of feeling that way is when I chose to drop out of my Ph.D program at the university of Montreal 5 years ago. I felt the judgement of my family, some friends and university peers. I have to confess that at the time, it affected me quite a bit and it took me a while to get over it.

Those opinions that others have about us, certainly have an impact on the way we feel, show up and perform. The good news is: they have that impact only if we allow them. This is not gonna be an article that will just give you at the end the cheap motivational phrase: “Just don't give a shit about what they think”. We are gonna dive in the things within you that make those opinions hurt and how to let them go. If you are interested in that, watch the video below of keep reading.

It's not about them. It's about you!

I would like to come back on the opening quote of this article because it is really on point with the message here.

You don't get rid of the fear of other people's opinions of you because their opinions are not what you are really afraid of. What you are afraid of is what it triggers within you. Their opinions are just the outside reflection, manifestation of what deep down, you are already entertaining about yourself.

Because the truth is: no one can treat you worse than the way you are treating yourself. The way you are treating yourself gives permission to the outside world to treat you just the same. So whenever they come up with those opinions about you, it's just exposing that part of you that's already thinking the same about you.

When their opinions hit you hard, you are gifted in that moment with a great opportunity, to come to terms with that part of you, to heal that part of you that was triggered.

How to heal the triggered parts of you?

The way you do that is with self compassion. Now the question is: what does self compassion looks like in the moment? Self compassion looks like: not running away from the feeling that emanated from within you. Standing still with it, being with the feeling, not even trying to erase it, suppress it, to manage it in some way or somehow, but just acknowledging that part of you that is hurting. You have to acknowledge that part of you that is entertaining those bogus beliefs about yourself and choose to give it love.

Here is how I do it for myself. Usually when I am triggered, I will sit with the awareness of the feeling, with no intention to address it or to morph it into something. I will just let whatever needs to come to the surface come to the surface.

Most times, during this process I can locate physically where the feelings are anchored. Sometimes it is gonna be a knot on my throat or on my solar plexus. When I locate it physically, all I do is putting my hand over that part of my body and I say: “I love you, I love you, I love you”.

Sometimes in the process I am gonna have a memory of an event that happened in the past, where I felt hurt and I'm just gonna acknowledge that part of me that was hurt in that time, that I never actually took the time, to come to terms with, to heal and love. That is as part of the process. Again with no judgement whatsoever on who was involved in that memory or even myself, I will just send love to the version of me that lived the actual event.

And as you do that, just sitting with that part of you at the moment, giving it love, letting anything that wants to come to the surface, come to the surface while standing there and giving it love, you will notice that the next times, you just feel less triggered by the same kind of comments. You will notice that you are just a little freer within your body and that the demons that use the haunt you are just a white noise now or even better, they are totally gone.

Now let me hear from you! What is one major opinion that others have of you that is daunting? Try this process for yourself and let me know how it went for you in the comments.

Sending you light and love.

- Xavier